It’s interesting how life can change, even when life doesn’t actually change. This past week, some things happened that made me wonder if I was pregnant. I’m not, but it really made me think about how I wanted my life to go. It made me realize how much I want another child, but how much I didn’t know if David did also. I was terrified to talk to him and ask. I was scared that his answer would be different than mine.
In the end, it wasn’t. But that’s not the point. Somewhere in the back of my mind, my anxiety was trying to get me to not TALK to my HUSBAND. To not tell him what I wanted. To not find out what he wanted. How messed up is that? It’s amazing and horrible how much mental illnesses can affect relationships. I know mine has affected my relationships in so many ways, some good and most bad. But it all can be fixed by communication. My husband wants another child too. Timing would have been off (which I knew and agree with) had we gotten pregnant right now, but we both want the same thing. Why was I so nervous to talk to my husband? Because my anxiety had me convinced that it wouldn’t be smart. That he wouldn’t agree with me. That he wouldn’t want another child.
And yet, we went for a walk. Those of you who have read my book, know just how important our walks are to us. We went for a VERY long walk and talked about everything that was on our minds. We talked about the need to talk, we talked about my fears and slight disappointment that I wasn’t pregnant. We talked about my goals for life. We talked about his goals for life. We realized, once again, how deeply meshed we are. How happy that made me! I always feel such peace after our conversations.
If mental illness is destroying your relationships, or even just making them harder, talk! Don’t let the illness win. Remember that you are not your illness and that you are STRONGER than your illness. Always remember that. Though it will be hard to continue to believe all the time, it’s true. You are strong. As my best friend said once, “You have fought through 100% of your bad days, and if you ask me, that’s a damn good track record.” Keep that record going!