The hardest part of losing her

There are so many hard things about losing your best friend. There are more when you lose her to suicide.

It’s hard for me to listen to any country music. That was her favorite. It’s hard thinking about her. It’s hard because I’m still a little mad at her.

I’ve been thinking about her a lot lately. Any time I’m at work I think about her because my coworkers like country music. They listen to it a lot. So I think about her a lot. And I try. I TRY not to be angry at her. I don’t know what she was going through. But even thinking that, it doesn’t help me get past my anger. Because why didn’t she tell me what she was going through? Why didn’t she pick up the phone and tell me what was happening? Why did she break her promise to not only me, but several of her friends? She promised she wouldn’t do this to us. She’d never consider it again. But she did. She killed herself.

My heart still hurts. I wonder if it will ever stop. There are moments when I get busy enough that I forget about it. I forget about the hole in my heart where she used to be. Then I see a horse, or hear a song she liked, or SOMETHING and it hits me. She’ll never get to read any of my books. She’ll never get the copies I was going to send her. I’ll never get to Snapchat to her again.

Then comes the fear that this might happen to someone else. Anyone I haven’t heard from in a while might have done something stupid. If they haven’t answered my texts, maybe they’ve died. What if they killed themselves? A lot of my friends have depression, or bipolar disorder, or something. It terrifies me. I have to constantly remind myself that there isn’t anything I could have done. That I really did all that I could have done. I didn’t see it coming when it did. I wasn’t surprised, but I was hurt. Will the next person surprise AND hurt me? Anxiety mixed with normal fears cause a cacophony of horrible thoughts in my head.

I hope I never have to go through this again. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. But if you have gone through it, know that you’re not alone. And if you’re considering suicide, PLEASE get help. For now, if not for your sake, but for those in your life. They’re worth sticking around for until you find a reason for yourself. And you will. You’ll find a reason. It may not come today. It may not come tomorrow, but it WILL come. And you’ll be glad you stuck around. Suicide isn’t something you can take back. No matter how much you regret it after.